Recipe Book

This book was hard work.
You know we are very critical of plant-based food products that mimic animal products. Johnny spent much time in our episodes expressing his disgust for vegan bacon, which doesn’t exist. He also said intense contempt toward vegan cheese.
Why choose this book, then?
It could be a temporary lapse in judgment. We would like a challenge. We wanted to be open-minded and keep the possibility in mind that we might have needed to be corrected. This book could help us learn how to consume the food equivalent of Austin Butler being cast as Ed Begley Jr.
The first bite of the pineapple “ceviche” was enough to put an end to any hopes. It is a messy mixture of ingredients not meant to be together.
Or the “classic,” described by the author, Lentil-Beet Burgers, with a consistency similar to pudding, that you were supposed to cook on a skillet and occasionally flip before placing them onto a bun for consumption. In some alternate universe, we imagine someone looking for a vegan version of the bone marrow they used to love. We are not sure that eating vegan “chopped live” inside of some hallowed-out parsnips will satisfy those carnal desires.
We planned to try more challenging recipes like the Tuna Steaks or the Proper Pepperoni. Unfortunately, we lost our enthusiasm after a few disappointing and frustrating meals. We don’t often finish a book to spite ourselves, but we feel great relief when we reach the end. We understand that this book has a purpose, but we prefer to eat vegan dishes that can stand alone without having to “pretend” to be an animal substitute. Here are some of the words that we prepared:
* Classic Lentil Beet Burgers — The tagline could be “the burger you can eat using a straw.”
We’re not too far from the truth!
We love beef burgers but have also eaten plenty of veggie burgers. We’re disappointed by the majority. The taste and texture could be better. Sadly, this will also be included in the list.
The texture was too loose for frying. We tried to follow the recipe, but the “patty” we got was uncooked inside and burned on the outside. (You are told to use medium heat). We knew we had to adapt to avoid reaching for the emergency frozen pizza. So we put the two remaining burgers onto a sheet tray, baked them until they were sufficiently baked/dried out to rest on top of a bun gently, and took a photo. The melted cheese curtain helped keep the burgers intact. These would have become Sloppy Joes if not for the cheese. This is standard veggie burger stuff – brown rice, chopped onions, walnuts, breadcrumbs, and canned lentils. Beets are added to give the appearance that it’s bloody beef, which we know vegans love.
* Scallop Drunken Noodles. TVP (textured vegetable protein) is a meat substitute in many plant-based recipes. We had to make three trips to the grocery store because, despite its widespread use, it was difficult to find locally. One recipe error we found: the step 2 instructions need to mention what to do after cooking and setting aside TVP.
The stems of king trumpet mushrooms are cut and scored to create the “scallops.” These look and feel like the real thing, despite the fussy preparation. It made us wonder when the last time we had a scallop dish served on a menu other than Italian.
We were not happy with the amount of onion used in the recipe. A large red onion and 1/4 cup of garlic sliced is a lot! The recipe calls for cilantro, but the accompanying photo does not include it. The sauce was a mixture of red miso, kelp (we substituted umami we had in our pantry), tamari, and brown sugar with vegetable broth. It had a flavor similar to that of a bouillon block. This meal was delicious, but we found it overly complex for a stir-fry of vegetables. We also questioned some of the ratios. Make sure that your dishwasher can handle the many dishes you will create. Be warned that the coconut oil in the recipe may perfume your dish for better or worse. It is one of the most successful recipes in the book, but it could be better. It felt like a first draft.
* Artichoke Fishwich: To mimic the flaky texture of fish, blend jarred artichoke hearts with some broth, breadcrumbs, and Old Bay. The “fillets” were supposed to be fried, but ours did not stay intact. We baked them in the oven on convection mode, on a sheet pan. The “Super Simple Slaw,” as it is appropriately called, is simple. Perhaps too simple. Ours was flavored and aesthetically enhanced by adding a little kimchi. You can also make a Jimmy Carter Tartar Sauce, which is quite tasty once the name has been forgotten. This recipe calls for making the broth, slaw, and tartar sauce yourself. You’d better clear your afternoon schedule! We reached out once again for the gluten-free Trader Joe’s Hamburger Buns (they should be sending us a case of these as a reward for all the advertising they get). We enjoyed these sammies but are still determining how well they would have turned out if we had followed the recipe. We suspect that similar to the veggie burger we discussed previously, we would have eaten the pescatarian version of a Sloppy Joe.
* Five-Spice Tempeh Tacos with Burnt Ends – This recipe we often used from the book. We think mushroom tacos are good enough without the “fake-meat” treatment. It is not necessary to add tempeh. The accompanying picture does not include cilantro, even though it is mentioned in the recipe. The flavor is packed into these with a simple marinade made of tamari and sriracha, along with sesame oil: brown sugar, paprika, and five-spice. We are still looking for an excellent gluten-free flour tortilla alternative (corn tortillas only work for us if they’re made fresh).
Pineapple Ceviche: One last dish to make this book miserable before it is buried. This was by far the least successful recipe we ever made. Victoria even found it unpalatable. Johnny shares the same culinary sensibility as our pit bull Franklin, who has passed away. Buddy! ), (h), eat this with tortilla chips as a lunch. This clumsy recipe is not going to make you feel like seafood. This strange combination of raw oyster mushrooms with fresh garlic, chickpeas, and pineapple chunks resembles the blender smoothies you might challenge your friends to make after school. This recipe is for six dogs (ok, we’re assuming it’s meant for dogs as we can’t picture humans eating this stomach-churning meal). This would be the most popular item on restaurant menus if they had a non-appetizer section. They were reduced to a paste after marinating the leftovers in citrus juice overnight. We threw them out as we wondered where to send our grocery bill.